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I tried! God knows I tried. I wanted to hate him but he made it so damn easy to love him. The person I blame is myself. I made bad decisions all in the name of being way too trust worthy too soon. I missed ALL the red flags! Here’s the sitch

I met him at a sports bar through a mutual friend. Let’s call him “Jason”. He was so attentive and friendly. I had gotten out of a long term relationship six months prior and was getting over it but wanted to remain in the shell I created. I was invited out to enjoy myself but I was experiencing a bad case of PMS and didn’t want to deal with men at all .He made me feel so comfortable talking to him however so we hit it off before the night was through. He ended up giving me a ride home. It was merely a ride. LITERALLY.
We sat in the car and talked until the wee hours of the morning and ended our night with a kiss on the cheek. He was a gentleman and I appreciated it. It made me want to “date him”. During the next few days we spoke on the phone about everything. He was single, living at home with his parents who were sickly but he had his own space. He drove his own car and lived his own life.
And lived his life he did. He lived his life without my knowing he had been involved with someone when we first began “dating”. We went out to dinner. We sat in the house doing nothing. Sometimes we just rode around the city talking. Before I knew it, I had spent months with him. Days turned into nights and nights turned into mornings and one night during the course of our “relationship” he awakened out of his sleep and I asked him what the problem was.
“Boo you ok? Why you keep jumping out of your sleep?” I placed my arm around him to comfort him back to sleep.
“Nah Im good.” He stroked my arm slowly and pulled me closer to him.
“Are you sure? I know something is wrong.” I persisted. This was my second time asking. I wasn’t going to ask again. He silenced my suspicions with a kiss and we made love that night and well into the morning. One incident he had erectile dysfunction. I wondered what that was about. As he drove me home I told him that no matter what I loved him and would be there for him. He smiled at me. He didn’t tell me he loved me back and that was fine. He and I had come to a conclusion that we would take it slow and get to know one another but I was on the fast track. I wasn’t picking out china or wedding dresses or even baby names but I definitely wanted him to be a permanent fixture in my life.
I went home that evening to google erectile dysfunction and discovered that it could be due to stress. I wondered what he would be stressed about. Maybe it was me I thought. Maybe I was too sexually aggressive. Maybe he didn’t find me sexy anymore. Maybe it was nothing to do with me. He did have sick parents to tend to.
One night, I was up writing my second novel and I wanted a break so I decided to peruse Facebook. I went to his page to view recent pictures and my mouth began to get dry and remained open in shock. There were over fifty wall posts congratulating him on being a father.
A FATHER?? He didn’t have any kids?! Not that I knew about! I was with him up until three days before this transpired. How could this happen and I not know about it. When did this happen? With who did this happen?
It all made sense now why he was nervous. He was stressed about his family and also his soon to be born child. I hit him up when I couldn’t take it anymore. I was angry. I was hurt.
Me: So you are a father now? Congrats
Him: Oh hey. Um thank you
Me: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me? I was with you days before
Him: I didn’t know how to tell you.
I ended our conversation and communication. I didn’t speak to him for months after. Winter came and went. I missed him. I wanted him. I dare I say, LOVED HIM. I reached out to him in the spring of the following year and told him I needed to see him. It was awkward but necessary. We hadn’t spoken since we had words. I poured out my heart to him. I even brought him gifts for his newborn. The baby had nothing to do with it. Apparently and allegedly this conception occurred right before we met. They didn’t live together however I know for a fact that he knew about the baby. He should have told me I understand why he didn’t want to but it still hurt. We are still cordial in some ways more than others even though I know better. I stopped that too once feelings became more vested than they should have with no real purpose.
This is my story. This is my story regarding following your instinct and red flags. I would point them out but I want YOU to do it because they are clearly outlined. There were signs that I chose to ignore all for wanting to be in a “relationship”. Sadly this is an instance of one being in a relationship with themselves. It happens more often than we would care to admit. I’ve learned my lesson, I THINK……. Only time will tell. Don’t let the façade of a relationship overtake yourself worth. Once you know better, you do better!

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Allison "EssenceM" Edwards


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Allison "EssenceM" Edwards
Allison "EssenceM" Edwards

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